i love my life.

i can't find my journal.

i really miss it.

and i need a new one.

but until then, this public blog will suffice.

i'm grateful for a lot of things in my life but recently these are the best things that keep me smiling before i fall asleep each night:

uno. the hansen brothers. these boys are my best friends. and i love them dearly. they sincerely, hold a special place in my heart. i wish for nothing but pure bliss and happiness for them, for all the rest of their lives. because they deserve it. oh how they deserve to be happy.

when we chose to live in alpine court, all four of us walked in and knew it was the right place for us, and as our friendship with these boys continues, i know with surety that where i am right now in my life, is exactly where i am supposed to be.

dos. art education! i switched my major. and it's been one of the best things i could decide to do. granted, i haven't started the classes yet, but it feels good in my soul. i met with the department chair today to look at my portfolio and he had great things to say. i never saw myself as a teacher, but the more i think about it, the more it fills me with joy. joy to the roots of my hair.

tres. español. oh me encanta español. i eat, breathe, live spanish. but i really am picking it up and understanding. it's a part of me now. soy emily y hablo español!

cuatro. becky jones. i have the best roommate anyone could ask for. she keeps me grounded and sane. and we laugh until it's far too late in the night. everynight is a sleep over. and it is so fun. i love this girl for all the goodness she brings in my life. i count my blessings to have met her.

cinco. ingrid michaelson, sufjan stevens, brian doyle, isaac russell, and the lower lights. i feel so cultured this last month. i can't believe i got to see all these people in the last 30 days. has it really been thirty days?? wow, life has been amazing lately.

i must must must sleep now.

love always,

charlie

this is the story of my life.

i didn't date in high school.

i liked me. i liked who i was without a boy.

but two months before i left for college i met the first boy i would ever love.

he took me by surprise, winning my heart instantly.

it was like i was living in a dream. looking back, it almost seems unreal.

it took merely weeks before we both knew we were in love.

i loved him dearly. i cherish those moments we shared together.

the memories we made and the laughs caught between us.

the year i was in love with him was filled with some of the happiest times of my life.

this boy has had the most profound impact on my life. and there were times where i never wanted to grow old without him. sometimes i still imagine a life with him.

but i knew it would end. i knew he'd live on his mission and i would have to grow up while he was away. i never expected it would end the way it did. or when it did.

exactly one year and one month. that is how long we dated.

that is a long time to spend loving one person. but it went by so fast.

some times i wish i could go back, and do it again.

maybe differently, with more care. and better.

in the big picture perspective, it's only a moment.

eternity is forever. the boy i will marry, really will keep his promise.

of loving me and never ever stopping.

it could still be my first love. in my wildest, romantic dreams, it is him.

but then i meet new boys. new boys who like the things my first love never did. boys that read winnie the pooh and quote my favorite movies. boys that swing on swings in parks with me and tell me about crying over ex-girlfriends. boys who visit their mothers and enjoy my cooking. boys who fell into my life so perfectly after my broken heart needed some mending, that i can't help but wonder what it all means.

i wasn't supposed to meet a boy before college and fall in love with him.

but i did.

my heart wasn't supposed to be broken so quickly.

but it was.

i wasn't expecting to meet someone else and like them so so much.

but i have.

i know it's all going to fall in place perfectly,

i just don't know where i am supposed to go from here.

i love you. forever.

i love goodnights.

not the saying farewell part because mostly i never wish to part from him.

but i love his choice words.

every night he rearranges the most beautifully put poems.

my very own poems.

i long for these sweet love notes for me each night.

but he is a tired boy.

he is very busy. in everything.

so sometimes he falls asleep without saying goodnight.

and then i miss him terribly.

please wake up.

i need you.

jumping for joy.

*photo by me. july 2009

reasons to be happy:

i'm finally 18!

i am in love with the cutest boy in the world.

i'm a proud owner of toms shoes.

i found the lost sunglasses!

my momma is here.

i'm moving in finally! to my dorm on monday.

skype allows me to spend hours with my boy.

the weather has been terrific.

life is grand.

moms make good best friends.

you think we look like twins, right?

it's ok, everybody does.

sometimes when i fall asleep on my grandparent's couch my aunts think it's my mom. you know when she was seventeen.

because she was seventeen.

when she met my dad.

oh and you like her short hair cut too, right?

people tell her she is bold and that the cut fits her.

funny story, she didn't get her hair cut.

it fell out.

when she had chemotherapy.

because she had breast cancer.

did i scare you a little bit?

people always are afraid when i bring it up.

i'm ok about talking about it.

cause she's my mom.

and my best friend.

and she's all good now.

she's here in provo to help me move in and celebrate turning 18!

i've told the boy a few hundred times. so he knows that i'm excited.

i also keep secretly hoping he'll surprise me and come up to utah to celebrate my birthday but heavens knows how i dream.

where am i going with this post again?

oh yeah, my mom.

i hope my daughters will want to watch movies with me and stay up with me and share silly tidbits of their life with me.

i hope i'm my mom to them.

sitting, waiting, wishing

*photo by me. july 2008.

i'm writing this post from the disaster area that is my room.

i'm writing this post as i try to clean said disaster area.

you see how really writing this post is just progressing my procrastinating said cleaning?

i'm cleaning my room to find my new sunglasses that i really am sad about losing.

but more importantly i'm cleaning to find my last paycheck. mom you didn't read that.

i'm setting some goals for this year to be more responsible and to not lose things so easily.

i'm somewhat regretting i told the boy that i lost my sunglasses.

and i'm wishing and hoping that living with five other girls this year will help me be more organized.

i'm thinking that's enough procrastinating.

i'm going back to cleaning.

happy birthday chumm

*photo by me. july 2009.

my brother is twelve today.

i'm sorry, you need me to repeat that, huh?

andrew is twelve years old!

do you know a cuter little boy?

no, no you don't, huh?

he's brought my family so much laughter, i couldn't imagine growing up with a sweeter little angel.

happiest of wishes buddy!